5 YEARS ON; LESSONS FROM MY FATHER'S FUNERAL

Somewhere in 2018, I had an elderly friend visit me at home. She also came with a friend, fortunately her friend happened to be someone I was acquinted with. It was a lovely evening. My friend who lives outside Accra was in town for an event and wanted to say hello to me. The conversations were on nothing really, we talked about life, work, kids and marriage we laughed and nibbled on some food as the evening passed. Then the subject of funerals came up, my friend's friend, my acquaintance whose dad passed 10 years ago suddenly switched emotions. Her tone changed as she talked about events that transpired at her father's funeral. She talked about the experience with some hurt, but it has been 10 years already! What surprised me most was that her pain was not about the loss, It was about the things that happened during the funeral. "My brother, that foolish boy! " she exclaimed, I haven't spoken to him in 10 years! And I will never speak to him again!" We all kept quiet and listened. She narrated how her brother put up an irresponsible attitude during the funeral. What she said infuriated her was not the fact that his contribution was little, but the fact that his first words when they met to discuss the impending expense was " me, don't bring me anything to pay ooo, I don't have any money for any funeral" She said she decided to go ahead and bear all the expenses. She refused to accept any financial contribution that he made later. That was the last time they spoke as siblings- it was 10years in 2018. Hmmm As they left, I pondered over the discussion. Was she not being unreasonable... 10 years of not speaking to your own brother because of a single comment? Those were only my thoughts. A year later, I lost my dear dad. I loved him to bits. My relationship with him had gone through many phases. In my adult years, I realised how I needed him the more. My dad was a well of wisdom - you could bounce off any issue with him. He was my cheer leader - he made a big deal of all my little feats and achievements. In spite of our relationship, i revered him greatly. I knew i couldn't do anything that would bring him shame. It was simply love. I don't think I was in the right frame of mind in the days and weeks that followed his death. It was also during that period that we had to plan and prepare for his funeral. I was in pain, and I had become sensitive to words and people's body language. A simple question like "How are you" could make me rush to the washroom and weep. Some nights were so long, and the days were full of activities. Oh, and our difference as siblings suffaced... It was then that we realised how little we knew about tradition. To think that our opinion did not carry that much weight! " But he was our father! we spoke to him every day, we loved him, he told us stuff... was that not enough? Looking back now, I realised that we were not the only ones who loved him. Before he became my father, he was someone' son, another's brother, he was Wofa Kwasi to many many more, even before he met me his daughter... others were ahead of me. They were his blood, just like me, and we were all grieving, although differently. At that time, we all were trying to do what was best in our eyes. And those eyes were blinded by heartbreak and grief. It was during that grieving-funeral-and its aftermath that i saw how some of our relationships came close to ending. I realised how simple things infuriated me and everyone else for that matter. I also saw how I was on the crossroads of evil and wise counsel. The advice i heeded to and the decisions i made was what would make or break some delicate relationships. So, 5 years on, these 5 lessons are what I took away. It may help another bereaved person: 1. When you push for your way with things and don't succeed, leave it. It may be God's way of saying something. So, we, as Dada's children, pushed for the funeral venue to be in Accra because we rationalized that Dada had spent most of his life in Accra as against his hometown where he hardly lived. This issue was one of our biggest contentions, We were not successful with our request. Looking back today, we realised that having the funeral in Dada's hometown was a blessing in disguise. Since we were not familiar with the place, our family stepped in with massive support, ensuring that every arrangement was on point. This would not have been the case if we succeeded with our preferred location. 2. Know where to take counsel in grieving times. I observed quickly during the period that there are 2 factions with you as you mourn. 1st faction, were critics and instigators - they interpret everyone's action to you and provoke you into a fight. The 2nd faction on the other hand, look beyond the moment, they are quick to let you see the positive side of every situation, step in to support if need be, caution when you are getting out of line and persuade you to ignore what may infuriate you. 3. Pray at every step. You do not need any formula - murmur to God as you go about all your activities. Request friends and others who you know will pray to bear you up. You can't overpray. 4. Dont entertain hurt, which leads to bitterness. Like my friend's friend, a lot of people finished funerals with new enemies. One way I have recently learnt to vent is through prayer - I virtually report the person who offends me to God, I do it over and over like a little child reports her schoolmate to her teacher 😃. it can be therapeutic. Try it. 5. Be grateful - I recall when we shared the news of Dada's passing. People left everything just to be with us. It was as if they had put their lives on pause for us - these were family, friends, neighbours, people who knew Dada, church, colleagues, and many others from all walks of life. They just gave, they poured out love, resources, strength, wisdom, and guidance, and it was incredible. Some held our hands, and others made sure we had no lack. Some prayed - people comforted us the way they knew best. It overwhelms me even to this day. As I write this, i pray for you that God will bless you and reward you for the selfless love shown to us at that critical time in our lives. Till we meet on that beautiful shore... Rest on, Dada... Rest on, George... Wofa Kwasi da yie... Keep resting, Elder Amponsah Rest from your toils... God bless you all. Akua Amponsah Kyeremateng